Friday, November 26, 2010
What does it mean to be Weak?
Wow, where have I been?
I've been sick of course. People ask me all the time how I am. It's so funny because it never fails that I'm sick. I feel like I never get a break to at least get myself together and regroup so that I can take on the enormity that comes with suffering with this disease.
I don't want to be that person that always bring people down by what I'm going through. I want to be able to have a normal conversation about the current movies that are out and how horrible or great it was but alas no. I have nothing to share that is different or able to contribute. When was the last time that I was even around a group of people that weren't hospital staff??? Hmmmm...
It really is tempting to want to get sad and down about my life and the apparent hold that I'm in but I refuse to be taken down by this disease. Instead, I've taken my cues from God and decided to stand up under my adversities. It is not an easy task at all but I stop my self after a needed cry and think of Jesus and how much he suffered because of his love for people, me and his father. I push each and every day not because I'm strong, no not at all, but instead because there is a reason for all of this whether or not i know the exact reason I know that God believes in me enough to put all this on my plate. So who am I to disappoint my Father who loves me so unconditionally? The only reason I get through this is because I feel His love and support without that I'd be broken.
But I also had to come to the realization that my suffering, my pain, constant prodding, poking, drugs are allot and because it is all so much it has to incite a series of emotions that are to not be ignored. I used to think that if I cried and felt sad about what I was going through that it meant that I was weak and a sad person who just felt sorry for herself. The truth is if you don't allow yourself to feel those emotions then you can't truly grow as a person and you won't be able to continue to take on the challenges of the disease! You become Stuck.
Allowing yourself to feel sad, allowing yourself to feel frustrated is the key to really taking on the disease. Without going through the process I remember feeling stuck and overwhelmed. Now the key is not giving into those emotions or allowing them to consume you. It's not an exact science and I do fail sometimes and my emotions do get the best of me sometimes but that's when I realized that my faith, my God calls me to give over to him all of my worries and burdens and that he'll take care of me. It's not my responsibility to take on everything and to be superwoman, be strong all the time. It's unrealistic. The strength comes in knowing your weaknesses and knowing that trying to smile and be happy all the time when I'm going through so much is an act and will only lead to more sadness.
I appreciate now how hard it is dealing with this disease and I respect the things that all this suffering is teaching me. It is extremely hard dealing with this disease but I do rejoice in the fact that I'm still here.